Daily Cycle, late afternoon. 1st March 2023
My ego does love to dance in the ocean of 'you are here for a reason, here to do something, that higher level of purpose' that 99.9% of people seem to be chasing.
In my reflection on starting, yet another blog - and pondering this cycle, though I am perferring to sit in the upspiral of it; for sure they have all been different and honourable in their own sense. Each shift & seasonal change bringing with it a new set of perspectives, a new set of 'downloads', a new set of ways to act and how to live. This latest withdrawal though - that seemed significant, of course like nothing I had even felt before, though I, in my abled memory recall, I really hadn't - coupled with
I'd prefer to trust no-one, than trust every-one. Does it have to be so polarised though? The pick and choose pinball machine. The learning through the disappointment, the wisdom of treat others how I wish to be treated. That one is the clincher at the moment. For sure my reality is reflecting to me exactly that these days. I can't help but think it is sad, but also okay. I crave stony solitude, and often lose myself in the gums that surround the house. This balcony is amazing for that.
No doubt there is still integration occuring, of this aspect that left. While it was required and absolutely necessary - there are no regrets, I pray the job is complete - I do sit in an unusual space of being pretty Free, as Free as I can be given other less stretchable circumstances and perfectly okay for Now time. Not to mention the huge realisation, that aspect, was not 'me', anyway. And there are whole psychology specialties that dig into that notion. To take this tangent - the aspect that left, was intertwined with a big mission, big purpose and it was going to be successful. And damaging. Completely. There was a whole construct set up around it, quite convincing too. With a reassignment, though that is being presumptuous. With a loss of assignment, is where much of the emotion is stemming from at the moment. The constant workhorse, and all da tings, that come with that - the guilt of not working, not 'doing something'. Don't get me wrong, my role as a human mother is perhaps the biggest yet, in any lifetime or density. And to be honest, one that is really easy to stuff up in any one moment - the effect that potentially can have on that child, I'll leave that there, it's pretty big to unpack now and that wasn't where I was going here.
Who would have thought to be in a kind of complainant energy when it comes to not working, and a flustered infiltration could do a lot more damage that good overall. It really is best for the greater good to simply sit back. It is not difficult to find me so anyone should want to. It does not mean the day to day does not come without it's challenges, it does and it will for a few years yet. It does not mean I will never be reassigned. And I also consider that there is a lot more to come and unfold, with appropriate training. A General is not promoted from Cadet overnight. Engage higher level humbleness, engage the now moment to be and refrain from adding anything that simply does not need to be there.
For now I sit, and continue to blog and will until I want another revamp of get sick of starting at the same web page design. It's not only for me. It is much bigger than that. It IS for ME.
