It's Sunday. I lost my voice last Wednesday. For anyone that knows me that's a long LONG time to not talk. And since I've claimed that so early I will express my gratitude here and now for having a strong loud voice for so long - was it mine, though?
To have half a day of reflection at the speed my mind works at and processes theories, timeline explorations, debunks, close down open up etc etc etc is and boy has this been a big few days of reflection, going in, coming out, going in blar blar ha!
I've narrowed it down to three major things happening along this physical timeline at the moment. Ruling out other variables (of which I realised, ah how many things are kinda of going on around me/us) based on pattern recognition and actual time events, when what happened, who was involved etc.
One of them definitely feels like a test to get through, and I have no doubt that I will be stronger from it, if I complete.
Another, I haven't been feeling into for sometime and have all but made the final decision. The cord here relates to responsibilities and commitment, honour and loyalties etc but what I am learning is - to you? Who's - all that- am I honouring? Am I honouring myself first and foremost then, the rest? I am learning to differentiate between the energies of origin and whether it is my own demons being reflected back on me hardcore that I am struggling to process, whether it is outright external projections coming at me for clearance, whether I just flatout don't need to attend as my energies are better placed elsewhere at this time (during the last visit there, I did receive 3 big realisations being Significance, Sacredness & Purpose. It's quite a messy container when I tap into it. And I could offer many perspectives as to why I perceive it as so both internal, external and the misty transition in between. Which is why I have not made the decision to attend, or not. It is definitely a choice, which I recognise and there is no right or wrong answer, which I also recognise.
Why am I writing today? Well the precursor feelings/physical state to losing my voice is identical to what I felt after leaving the last circle meeting. So I link the significance of that (I haven't fully recovered from that time, simply 'waved' since early June (it's Aug7). It is extremely unusual for me to get physically sick, at all, so I've definitely sat up and taken notice. BUT the renegade in me will not shy away. Even though I feel absolutely rotten and terrible and, probably like I should wipe it off my timeline now, I'm curiously intrigued as to what this is. Though when I'm feeling like I'm going to choke and die - well perhaps it's an ignorant carrot that's being dangled out in front - or a jackass following it. The Lamb to the Slaughter comes to mind. Yeh that's not ideal! Do I need to do it. No. Why don't I close it down right now? Well I can.
Okay okay this is nuts. From the perspective of everything is learning, everything certainly is contributing towards growing my awareness across many many areas. So let's park it there for now and let the rest flow in. x Alana
Update: Positive Program Affirmations
I reinstate and reactivate my true and pure voice.
I reinstate and reactivate my true and pure voice.
I reinstate and reactivate my true and pure voice.